The Martian Who Stole Christmas
• December 24th, 2011
With Apologies to Dr Suess.
Every Hu-man
Down in Hu-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Martian,
Who lived just North of Hu-ville,
Did NOT!
The Martian hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his eyeballs weren’t screwed in quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that he held his raygun too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he saw red at sight of santa’s smalls.
But,
Whatever the reason, The gun or the smalls,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Hu-mans,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Martian frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Hu-man down in Hu-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his martian fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Hu-man girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Hu-mans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on Hu-pudding, and rare Hu-roast-beast
Which was something the Martian couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Hu-man down in Hu-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Hu-mans would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Martian thought of the Hu-Christmas-Sing
The more the Martian thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for four hundred years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE MARTIAN
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Martian Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Martian trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
The Martian looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Martian...?
No! The Martian simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.
THEN
He loaded a sheep-ray to take care of Saint Nick
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshakle sleigh
And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Martian said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Hu-mans
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Hu-mans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Martian Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he pulled out his death ray and blew up the flue
He plopped to the ground where little Hu- stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And to cover his tracks, then the Martian, very nimbly,
Stuffed them into a rocket that flew up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Hu-man’s feast!
He took the Hu-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Fed it all to Max, who broke out in a rash.
"And NOW!" grinned the Martian, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Martian got out shears and started to cut,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Hu-man!
Little Cindy-Lou, who was not more than two.
The Martian had been caught by this little Hu-man daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Martian and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you shaving our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Martian was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"Tree’s get too hot when their kept inside.
"So I'm taking it’s fleece home to my workshop, my dear.
"Then I'll whip up a jumper, and I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and blew the tree up!
Then the last thing he did
Was eat the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other Hu-man houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Hu-mouses!
"Pooh-pooh to the Hu-mans!" he was martian-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Hu-mans down in Hu-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Martian,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Martian put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Hu-ville!
The Martian popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Hu-Man down in Hu-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Martian, with his Martian-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Martian thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Hu-ville they say
That the martian finally wised up to hu-mans that day
The Martian’s small heart grew three sizes,
As he took to the sky with his Martian Sheep Ray
And he whizzed through the village in the bright morning light
Sending the Hu-mans scattering in fright
For the Martian Sheep Ray does just what you think
And Soon the Hu-Village was full of Hu-Sheep
So he yelled to Max to prepare for a feast
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Martian carved the roast hu-beast!
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